An International Family – 4 Generations
I’m from a good sized family, the oldest of 4 children. I have 9 nieces and nephews. Both parents have 5+ siblings. My Grandmother has 16 grandchildren and 24 great grandchildren, of which I am her favorite. (Obvi)
You can’t pick your family, but I’m fortunate to have been dealt a winning hand. Family is important, and mine is kind and supportive; they’ve been there when times were tough and encouraged me to chase my dreams.
I’ve also done well with my Internet family, the nice people online who look out for my best interests. Some of them are concerned that a nomadic family might not get enough love, as you can see:
“I love my family, I would never abandon them like you did!”
“My siblings and parents visit often, I couldn’t disappear for months at a time just to travel.”
“It is terrible that your child will never have strong relationships with his cousins and grandparents!”
Thanks everyone, you’re the best!
But there is no need to be concerned. Not only is our nomadic family full of happiness and love, we are thriving. Here is why:
Global Family
Ours is a Global Family at the very core. Winnie and I are from opposite sides of the globe, and have family spread across 2 continents. When we were living in Seattle, my nuclear family alone was spread across 3 time zones, 4 States, and 5 cities. It would be impossible for the entire family tree to live next door to each other, as its seeds have blown far and wide.
Distance is one of many factors that limits the quantity of time we spend together. But it is certainly not the greatest. Work schedules, school schedules, children’s activity schedules, vacation schedules, recharge and recover time, and “other plans” all compete with family time. The complexities of juggling these disparate needs means even my family members living closest together are able to get together only about once every few months.
So we focus on quality over quantity.
Quality Time
Quality time is one of 5 love languages from the book of similar name. It’s a powerful thing.
When we get together with family, it is dedicated time. There are no other responsibilities other than enjoying each other’s company.
Some examples:
- When Jr was born, I flew my Grandma & Mom to Asia to spend 3 weeks with their newest grandchild.
- Winnie’s Mom spent more than a week with us in Thailand.
- Last year we gathered 4 generations of family for a week on a a lake, 23 of us in total (grandparents/parents/siblings/our children.)
- This year, we are spending a week with extended family and then taking my Grandma and Mom on a 10-day cruise to Alaska.
We aspire to have extended quality time at least once per year.
Who ordered the cheeseburger?
This concentrated quality time provides a strong environment for togetherness and bonding. Everybody is on vacation, which means we are fully present… nobody is thinking about work while your brother tells (for the 900th time) the stories about how 25 years ago you chased him around the house with a knife or nearly electrocuted him .
Playing Cards Against Humanity – photo by my bro
Bubbles! – photo by my bro
Connections
When we aren’t all physically located in the same place, there is this cool thing called the Internet that helps us stay connected. Maybe you’ve heard of it?
“Hi Daddy!” – Skype across the dining room
Skype/Facetime/Hangouts give us real time video conferencing from our phones and laptops. Grandma can even read books over Skype. Crazy.
Facebook is great for getting the latest photos and events, and Facebook messenger lets us chat about random stuff. That’s how I learned my brother bought a boat, gave my sister tips for her vacation to Mexico, and saw photos of my other brother’s vacation in Yellowstone.
Plus all of my family follows us on Twitter and Instagram. which contains some great photos such as this one with my 3 nephews when I was passing through California on the way to the Chautauqua.
It sure beats the good ol’ days of long distance telephone calls and hand written letters. The Internet is great.
I was discussing this style of family connectedness to a reader once, and she said our global family seems to have more quality time together than her own, even though they all live in the same large city. I don’t know if that would be the case for others, but it works for us. As a bonus, it is impossible for your mother-in-law to stop by unannounced ;)
Summary
Family connections are important. Through the Internet and regular quality time, a global family can build and grow strong bonds.
Much like the human mind, the world is as small or as big as you make it.
What do you do to keep your family “together”?
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Goodness how rude and small minded some people are! I grew up in HK and Australia with my parents while my extended family remained in UK. While we weren’t a nomadic family, my parents chose to go where the work was. Should they also be chastised for taking me away from my grandparents? As an adult I have been able to travel back to the UK regularly for visits and enjoy the company of my cousins and their kids, albeit intermittently. My sister, who I grew up with, lives a short-ish distance away, but we’re not close. My parents now live close by, but ‘life’ often gets in the way and we sometimes need to arrange get togethers weeks in advance. Presumably they should give up their frequent travel to spend time with their only grandchild?
Miss 9 and I are off to Bali shortly to meet up with with one of my oldest and closest friends and his family. He’s lived in another country for nearly 20 years, but I suppose according to your internet friends we should have nixed that friendship too, given we don’t live around the corner?
Common interests, not distance, is to me the better determinant of a good relationship. How lucky families are today to have the variety of communication means and devices, and the far cheaper and better travel options than I did 30+ years ago. Good for you for making your own choices and living a life that suits you and your (global) family. Rant over – I’m off to whatsapp my 71yo mum!
I love that your mom is using whatsapp. We have my Grandma on Facebook now, and she is always showing off pics of her grand/great-grand kids to her friends/hair dresser/anybody she meets.
The one thing I am truly thankful of, in regards to the rude and small-minded, is at least they aren’t family.
Sounds like you have found a great balance. Enjoy that global family!
I can’t believe people and their comments. I have family that lives in town and we can never seem to get together due to our crazy schedules……having the kind of quality time that you do with your family is SO much better, more concentrated……..there’s always going to be naysayers……….ugh
My husband and I also have family that span two continents, so we’re in the same boat (except we don’t travel the world like you guys do)! Skype has been a lifesaver for him. With my family, we do the vacation thing. This year alone we’ve had two separate weeks together! We’re working on fitting more trips in to South America, though, because his family gets the short end of the stick on time with us.
The vacation thing is the best. Good luck with more SA trips. We need to spend more time in SA too (Winnie has never been)
!!! You guys definitely need to rectify that!! Torres del Paine, Machu Picchu, Iguazu Falls, the Galapagos… the list goes on!!
Definitely a concern for us,my wife is one of 12 children!!!! 30+ nieces and nephews. It will all work out.
With the ability to stay connected now in so many ways, a family system like yours works now so much better than it would have when I was a kid. I love your focus on quality time too. Who cares if you can get together every weekend if you aren’t really connecting? You have definitely made time for all of your global family – and that is key. You’re not making excuses and leading a life void of family. I think your family life is a lot more traditional than most – it just looks different than it did 25 years ago. And you can see the happiness and love in the pictures. I’d take what I see over weekly dinners with family where people were just there because that was what was expected.
I completely get this. I grew up with a scattered, but close family spread from Alaska to Florida. We are still all across the continent, but stay in close touch and see each other regularly. Someone is always getting married, graduating, or having some other life event that turns into an impromptu family reunion. You can be close, yet separated by distance. Close families do not require constant proximity, just regular proximity.
When I lived 12 hours drive from my family, we rarely talked. I visited once a year.
Now that I live 12 time zones from my family, we Skype twice a month. My wife and I visit once a year.
No matter where we live, we will be far from one of our families. But both our families have experienced new cultures and new places.
My wife and I couldn’t be happier, and I’m sure your family is as well.
We’ve lived and worked close to my wife’s family in Michigan, and we still own a cabin (where I am right now) in the area. We now live close to my parents in Minnesota.
In another year or two, we’ll have the ability to travel freely and spend quality time with extended family across the U.S.A. Idaho, California, New Mexico, Tennessee, Florida, Massachusetts, and more. Add in friends dispersed nationwide, and we’ll never be far from someone we know and love.
Cheers!
-PoF
Yes! I also have a family that’s spread around. I’ve gotten some pretty crappy comments from people about “Ohhh I could NEVER not see my dad every week. That’s *terrible*!” It’s amazing what people feel like they can say. It’s all about having a great time when you’re able to be together. That’s what makes that time so special.
Some might respond, “With a terrible attitude like that, are you sure your Dad wouldn’t be happier with once a month?”
Our close family are based in the UK, while we sit across the pond in MA, USA. Oh, the joys of not having to be on weekend calls for those family get-together dinners. With travel over there to see parents/siblings/ and vice-versa, we get enough dose of the family medication to keep any ills at bay.
One big advantage of having family and close friends based in the UK is we will never need those UK AirBnB’s to launch our further travels into Europe and beyond. Family and close friends spread across Scotland to central England to the London area provides a plethora of free “family / friends accommodations” where we can spend quality, relaxed time reconnecting and have no worries about using it as a base to pursue spur of the moment travel to further corners of Europe. It’s a big part of our plans when we hit FIRE next year – will be interesting to see how it all works out but I have a sneaky feeling it is going to be just fine and dandy.
Skype is helpful, so is Viber for global families to keep in touch. Sharing pictures on FB/IG is another way to keep up with developments.
Of course, the face to face is always important, so once per year is a must at least.
It is funny that sometimes I see friends/relatives that live a continent away more often than those who live an hour away.
It is nice that you are your grandma’s favorite.. On a second read however.. ;-)
We do a good job of the annual visit. We’ll get 5 days with my sister’s family, 8 days shared with the 2 bros / Dad, aunts/uncles, cousins, and then the cruise for 10 days. We plan in advance, and everybody can plan around our quality time. It is nice.
And Grandma’s house is always open :)
Makes sense to me. Even assuming you’re stationary (like we currently are) family is spread over 2 (possibly soon to be 3) continents. Some of us have learned to adapt and plan for the situation, some of us haven’t. Being down on that is silly – some people have jobs that don’t allow them to live in close proximity even.
Our family spans the globe as well, in Asia and NA. We try to visit each other at least once a year (usually for a month or more). Honestly, it seems like plenty of “family time”.
When the grandparents are merely a Skype video call away it doesn’t seem like we need to visit all that often.
Technology ftw!
My parents live in Botswana, Mr. BITA’s family is in Denver, my sister is in Amsterdam and we stay in California. I have extended family in Singapore, Dubai, India, Abu Dhabi and Spain.
Lets look at 2017 as a sample of how being a close family has little to do with distance:
Jan – Mar 2017: My mother visited us. We traveled to NOLA with her. My Dad flew in for two weeks and my mother flew back to Africa with him.
Apr 2017: Mr. BITA’s parents, sister and his niece visited us to celebrate Toddler BITA’s birthday.
Aug 2017: Mr. BITA’s mother and his nephew will be visiting us.
September 2017: We travel to Lisbon, Amsterdam and Croatia. My parents and my sister and her husband will join us for that trip.
November 2017: We will travel to Amsterdam for Thanksgiving.
December 2017: My parents will visit for about a month and spend Christmas and New Years with us.
For everything in between there is FaceTime and shared photo albums.
I can’t believe you mentioned the love language book. That’s a book Mrs. T gave me to read when we started dating. Our family spans the globe as well. My parents and brother are in Vancouver but all my relatives are in Taiwan still. Mrs. T’s family are all in Denmark. She definitely uses Skype a lot to stay connected with her family. We also have a private online gallery that we post pictures of the kids so relatives can keep in touch. We have been traveling to Denmark every 1.5 years so kids can connect with their Viking roots. We’ll have to start going to Taiwan more often.
Thanks to internet it’s really easy to keep in touch nowadays. I can’t imagine what it would be like 20+ years ago.
I haven’t read the book, but 2 of my great friends who are the best social connectors I know swear by it. It’s on my list.
20 years ago was definitely a different world. I remember making the occasional really expensive long distance phone call home.
Oh this post resonated with me so much! My husband and I are from the same small Southern US town where no one leaves. We moved about an hour away and are constantly bombarded with grief from family about not visiting enough. However when we do visit, there’s no depth to the visit; often everyone is just sitting around watching TV together. We’ve tried to start structuring activities for visits so we’re all making memories together. (Planning a trip to the nearest water park now actually!) We’re also trying to FaceTime our parents more so they can see the kiddo. Moving away from family is such a novel idea for people where we’re from that we know it’s on us to help our extended family feel like they still “know” our son.
PS An hour away is not far enough away for in-laws to drop by unannounced. Maybe we should move further away. Ha!
That sounds a lot like my hometown.
There are definitely advantages to being outside MIL roaming distance.
Maybe setup a webcam at home so the family can watch you watch TV! (Idea inspired by a friend who ways had his family webcam on his computer at work.) We also put the quality time onus on us; we make sure our time together has some structure (picnics, bike rides, frisbee golf are some fun/free things to do.)
As a bi-coastal family, we feel this pain. Siblings all over, family’s on each coast. It’s tough, but it makes the time together all that much more important. Especially as we all age.
It’s all about how you keep in touch and making it a priority. The internet is amazing. We just spent yesterday catching up with friends that live in Italy, and China, all from our table on the west coast of the US. Completely insane!!
Glad to hear it’s working out for you!! And you have a supportive family, that makes it all that much easier!
Well said sir
I want to travel, slow and for a long time. It is one of my FI goals. But to be honest, one the main things that keeps holding me back is the thought of not seeing my family. This post gives me reassurance and is exactly what I needed to hear. “The world is as small or as big as you make it” Talk about resonating with me!
Glad to hear it helped!
One great thing is family can vacation wherever you happen to be.
You’d think people reading Early Retirement blogs would be used to discovering there’s more than one way to do things!
Love the blog, Jeremy. Thanks for writing. I’ve learned so much!
Most of the opinionated ignoramuses come from mainstream media articles written about us. They probably (understandably) are confusing us with the Kardashians :p
Since my husband and I met each other at 14, both sides of our immediate family live in the same area (all within 20ish miles of each other). It’s definitely a blessing that we get a lot of quality time together, but in a way, we end up really getting stuck in this area. It would be really hard for us to move (especially since our son is young), and sometimes that can make me a little resentful.
I wonder if you would feel differently if everyone was concentrated together? By having family all over the place, it opens up your options for sure :)
When I was 16 family was concentrated together. I left for college when I was 17 and the world opened up. It is good to have family that is encouraging and supportive of going after what is best for you.
I wouldn’t complain if we had more family time. Maybe after they retire and have more freedom.
“It is terrible that your child will never have strong relationships with his cousins and grandparents!
Thanks everyone, you’re the best!”
Bwahahahaha! Haters gotta hate.
Because being stressed out and never having the time to visit family even though they live in the city is MUCH better than “ditching them JUST to travel”.
It could be worse. The haters could be family :/
I live on the far side of the planet as well … living in Beijing has its perks seeing 40-50% of the family live here … grandparents, cousins, siblings etc … the techie side of communications helps out immensely … besides most families are spread around the country now anyhow … I haven’t fully retired yet … but we international teachers get about 3 months of paid vacation and weekends … around 188 workdays vs 177 days off a year … so technically I only have to work around half the year? … my local Sis in law … a multi-millionaire … is always taking us out on weekly 5 star outings and on free holidays … so that is one of the perk of living locally … we were just in the Dalian Castle last week and next maybe Japan next week , and Bali Indo … for the summer and fall break … I enjoy your posts immensely and you plenty of cool ideas I learn from …. besides you had so many adventures as an expat … living in Taiwan and travelling the world … I am still debating on Hokkaido (cooler in the summer) … vs Tokyo Disney (hotter …) and Osaka/Kyoto … also hotter in August … I am looking forward to your later travel blogs from this summer … God Bless, Michael and Family, Beijing, China
Sounds grand. Enjoy!
Our family (14) gets together once or twice a year. We use the Telegram app. It’s great and much better than WhatsApp. I agree with quality over quantity!
Such an on-point article. Thanks…
Me and my girlfriends family are similar to yours. Most of my family is still in Taiwan, Sara’s family is in Ohio and Kentucky, and we live in Texas. I definitely agree that family time is very important. Like my friend said that Asian family’s relationships are quite different than the west. We don’t express our love as much. We definitely cherish every possible seconds we have with our families. Since we don’t have the quantity, quality is the next obvious thing.
We video chat with family spread across the globe all the time, the least being once a week, but that’s a substitute for physically being present. A good (“tremendous” as ol’ Don would say!) substitute, nonetheless, a substitute.
Hello Jeremy
I am an avid reader of FI blogs. I am looking for a resource which points me to one of the best places in the US to retire from tax and cost of living perspective. To be specific, I would prefer to pay minimum state taxes on my retirement withdrawals and also minimal property taxes. Of course, cost of living has to be in check as well. What I don’t mind is sales tax because we are a low consumption household. Can you point me to a blog/article from the FI community which talks about this?
I understand that during retirement, I can convert a small portion of Pretax money in 401K/IRA to Roth each year and that will prevent overall taxation but I am looking for more US state specific information instead of the taxation hacks which I am already aware of.
Thanks
Vishal
Hi Vishal
I can’t think of a post to refer you to.
7 States have no income tax: Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, Washington and Wyoming. Alaska also provides an annual stipend to its residents (a negative tax.) Any of these States would be a good place to start.
If you plan to have income greater than 400% of FPL, also look into the cost of ACA health insurance. This can limit your ability to do tax free Roth conversions.
Cheers
Jeremy
Thanks Jeremy! I understand that having an income >400% of FPL limits me in getting discounts/credits for ACA. However, what is the connection with tax free Roth conversions? Tax free Roth conversions depend on being able to stay within the exemptions and standard deductions when there is no other income sources. I guess what you are saying is that >400% of FPL is way beyond the exemptions and standard deductions or are you referring to something else?
Sorry, I was replying on my phone and didn’t answer clearly.
If above 400% FPL, you pay full cost of health insurance. A no income tax / high cost of insurance State may be more expensive than a low income tax / low cost of insurance State (if such a thing exists.)
If below 400% FPL, it may not be worth doing Roth conversions, so be sure to understand the interaction of ACA subsidies / Roth conversions. These posts address that.
https://gocurrycracker.com/obamacare-optimization-early-retirement/
https://gocurrycracker.com/obamacare-optimization-vs-tax-minimization/