The church is filled with row upon row of the couples’ closest friends and family. The bride looks stunning, her hair, makeup, and gown are immaculate. The flowers fill the air with the scent of spring. Everybody is smiling, most of all the bride and groom. This is the day she dreamed about since she first watched Cinderella as a child
No Royal Wedding, this one time event costs an average of $27,000 in the US. The honeymoon is an additional $4,500. This is her special day, so no expense is spared. The wedding planner ensured everything was perfect, from the color scheme, to the icing on the cake, to the limo driver’s boutonniere. The photographer captured every moment so the couple could relive the event for years to come through photo books and slide shows
Traditionally, the bride and groom’s families paid for the cost of a wedding, but in modern times the costs are often being assumed by the couple themselves. In a country where 50% of marriages end in divorce, and finances being an oft cited reason, what better way to get a new family started than with a huge financial obligation?
Before Winnie moved to the US, we got together with about 30 of her friends at a coffee shop in Taipei. I had lived in Taipei for 2 years, so I knew nearly everybody. Most were super excited for us, and wished us the best of luck. Some asked me to take good care of her and politely teased that they would eke revenge if I didn’t. A select few asked some probing questions… What are you going to do for the wedding? Where will you go for your honeymoon? Where is her ring? (Perhaps Winnie had asked her friends in advance to inquire about these things? ;) )
My favorite comment in response to our answers was, in a shocked voice: “What are you going to tell your grandchildren?” It was as if these unborn children would be very curious about these events, and we were already letting them down
Our wedding was fairly simple. We got married at the Seattle courthouse. 2 close friends acted as witnesses, and then joined us for a toast back at our place. Our total wedding cost was $134; $64 for a marriage license, $50 for the judge, and $20 for cake and champagne. Immigration expenses added another $1,970, but aren’t typical.
Our honeymoon was a 10 day, 100-mile hike around Mt. Rainier on the Wonderland Trail, with a total cost of about $0. Winnie prepared our own delicious dehydrated food for the trip, because she is amazing. We saw baby black bears playing on the trail, washed our clothes in frigid glacial runoff in fields of wild flowers, and enjoyed some of the best scenery and freshest air on the planet.
To understand part of the reasoning on why we chose this path, let’s compare 3 cases:
- A common case: The couple gets a loan for the full cost of the wedding
- The traditional case: The parents pay for everything, or the couple pays for everything with cash savings
- Our case: The couple can afford a typical wedding and honeymoon, but chooses something more simple and frugal
A total sum spent on wedding and honeymoon of $31,500 borrowed at 6% interest over 10 years, would have a monthly payment of $349.71. At the end of 10 years, the couple has no savings
In the traditional case, the couple spends their parents money on the wedding, and then invests the same $349.71 monthly, earning 6%. After 10 years, they have nearly $58,000.
In our case, we invest the $31,500 and the $349.71 monthly, and in 10 years have almost $115,000.
Is one day worth $50,000 to $100,000 in retirement savings? It’s an individual choice. For us, it just didn’t make sense
Neither one of us wears jewelry on a regular basis and we don’t have an affinity for rings, so neither of us wears a wedding band. And what is a diamond really worth? In truth, not much. There is in theory an infinite supply of diamonds, but for the illusion of scarcity created by DeBeers. The tradition of wearing diamond engagement rings, the whole diamond trade, and the emotional connection to diamonds are all creations of the DeBeers diamond cartel and the result of billions of dollars in advertising over the past 100 years. Why do you think that a diamond is better than a ruby, or even cubic zirconia? DeBeers. Why do you think you should spend 2 months salary on a ring? DeBeers. It’s a textbook example of how advertising influences purchasing decisions.
So what would we tell our (mythical) grandchildren? Assuming they cared… that we chose to spend time with each other instead of with coworkers, that instead of a traditional honeymoon of 2 weeks we chose a honeymoon of decades, and that real love shines brighter than any pretty rock. I think they would be pleased with the answers
Now given the choice, have a traditional wedding or have $100,000 in your bank account in 10 years, do you know which you would choose?
I do
So nice to read a story about people using their time and common interests as the bonding focus of a partnership rather than spending a ton of money to make everyone else happy. Can’t agree enough about diamonds, if you really want to gift a “rare” jewel an emerald would be a lot more relevant…
The best answer to “What will you tell your grandchildren?” is generally, “The truth.”
I’m actually quite disappointed you’re so far away now, because we had such limited time in the same space, and I had no idea we shared so many of the same beliefs and ideas….bon voyage to you, my dears…
James collects good people :)
You all have to come visit!
After a long term relationship (8 years which ended ‘because I wasn’t marrying her fast enough’; yet she knows I was saving for an engagement ring she had already picked out) i’m single once again and pursuing FI on my own (I think it was a lucky escape). Because FI is important to me it will be of importance when finding a future partner too.
How do you suggest an atypical wedding to someone who has watched the advertising of DeBeers etc since childhood?
Were the wedding arrangements Winnie’s idea or yours originally? How was the subject first broached between you? Did you discuss budgets? Did you discuss your 3 options from your article first?
Are there dating agencies for people who want to pursue FI and so their spending habits don’t really match the dreams of advertisements? – OK, that one isn’t a real question ;-)
The thought of another long term relationship still scares me so I know I’m not ready to start dating again just yet, but one day I hope to find my own ‘Winnie’ ;-)
Sorry to hear about your relationship, the ending part was never my strong suit
Winnie and I have an eerily similar value system, which is really how we came to be together. If I had asked, “Do you want a princess wedding that costs $100k?” she would have glared at me and said, “Are you stupid?! Lets just go to the Court House”
I have my own theories on finding friends and partners (which should perhaps become a post) but here are some resources that might help:
http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/personals/
http://www.frugalwoods.com/2015/01/20/frugal-friends-and-where-to-find-them/
The way I discuss a frugal wedding to somebody that grew up on Disney princesses and DeBeer’s social programming… I mean advertising… is to be open and honest from Day 1
A lot of people don’t talk about money. I do. If you meet me in the real world, as soon as you ask “What do you do?” you will find out a whole lot about the world of early retirement. If that means we can’t be friends, that is OK. Better to lose a few people along the way to building some incredible lifelong friendships then to have a lot of people physically close but no real connection or shared values
My wife and I were forced to go your route.
We started planning a wedding 10 years ago, but as we starting adding things on that everyone has to have, the cost started to get uncomfortable. We ignored that, as this is The Big Day, and everyone knows that cost is no object for Big Days.
But it kept getting worse. Cake. Colors. Flowers. Candles. Catering. Venue. Photographer. And we didn’t have savings, so this would be on credit cards. On and on and on. Pretty soon we woke up and said it aloud: we didn’t have to do it this way! We waited a moment. We weren’t struck by lightning.
What did it cost to get married at the court house? Wow. We knew a judge already. Made the appointment with him, got her parental objects to come along and that was it. Fifty bucks. I think I took everyone out to lunch later, so 150 bucks total. We feel just as married as if we’d spent 10k…which is a lot of money to spend to meet everyone’s expectations.
$150 seems so much better than $10k, and you can celebrate the two of you just as well. Thanks for sharing, I love how you realized there would be no lightning strike
Happy Anniversary to you and Winnie! ! Great choice on the wedding approach.
It appears we are going to do it sometime this year and we will NOT be spending a bunch of money as well…Wouldn’t want to go counter to my financial advisor. ;)
Take care.
I advise you have a giant and expensive party. Stretch those spending muscles ;)
I am loving your whole story! I hope to do something similar someday… Albeit with my own personal spin on it! :)
I think the Carol version will be much more rewarding ;)
Mr. GCC, you got very lucky with Winnie. Doesn’t need a ring, expensive ceremony to feel like she’s arrived into adulthood, AND goes on a backpacking trip instead of a punta cana lazy-moon? Wow
And her favorite things are travel and cooking. Jackpot.
GCC, right on! One of my side hustles is wedding photography and it just blows my mind to see young couples blowing at least 30K in one night with nothing left after few hours; other than pictures and actually photography is something that couples always try to cut corners in.
All that money for a good time with people that they may not see ever again. Eating food that is not necessarily the best but costly($120-150 a plate in the Chicago area), flowers, music, decorations, lights…you name it!
As you said, 50% of these splurges end in divorce so it’s only fair to ask, why? Why would someone spend such a huge amount of cash or debt into just few hours? With the same token, why would someone spend 7k-10k on a ring? Why something just pretty but affordable couldn’t make the cut to represent the love of one person for another?
Well, here is what I think: This is more of the consumerism we are all conditioned to. If you want to lose weight somehow you associate and justify the idea of buying gear for running, shakes, magazines and videos that will grant the results. If you want to go out biking you start scrolling up and down reviews after reviews of bikes, searching the perfect one; the one everybody considers an awesome bike, which usually is in the thousands. And with that we feel that to go out biking a $80 Mongoose wouldn’t cut it. We are conditioned to believe that the 5K Specialized S-Works will grant us a great experience, success and happiness.
Everything is just this idea of buying our happiness. Take a pill and you’ll be happy.
More important than a 40K+ and the whole shebang should be the desire for being with one another and nurture the relationship over the years.
Awesome post! I was able to make a lot of connections with it.