Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, persons of all faiths and creeds, welcome.
We are gathered here today in this sacred place to celebrate the birth of a new fellowship, the Church of Curry Cracker.
Together, we can overcome life’s obstacles, make the world a better place, and enhance financial and spiritual well being.
The Church of Curry Cracker
For some time I have been deeply interested in personal improvement, fiscal responsibility, and community service. What is this blog if not a channel to educate and empower others in life-changing ways?
But I felt like something was missing, that I needed to do more.
Then, in a moment that can only be described as divine inspiration, it came to me – I must answer my true calling and spread the gospel of Curry Cracker to all corners of America and beyond.
It is with great humility and privilege that I announce the creation of the Church of Curry Cracker (a tax-exempt Section 501(c)(3) organization.)
The core tenets of Curry Crackerism are well established and religiously followed by 10s of thousands of devotees around the globe:
- Living well beneath your means is a virtue
- Paying AUM fees is a sin
- Low-cost index funds are heaven sent
- Blessed is he who pursues financial freedom
- Church service is every Monday at gocurrycracker.com. Email subscription is available in the footer.
Of course, in the modern world spreading the doctrine of Curry Crackerism will require significant personal sacrifice.
To enhance rest and contemplation, I will need a grand parsonage. I would prefer to rent, but personal choices are secondary to the needs of the Church.
Safety and security will require renewed focus, so the Church will be acquiring a luxury vehicle for all clergy transportation needs, as well as a private jet for missionary work (and to avoid being trapped in a long tube with a bunch of demons.)
The Church and Taxes
As a registered 501(c)(3) organization, formed for education and religious purposes and the love of a good April Fools post, the Church of Curry Cracker is exempt from all taxes at the Federal, State, and Local levels. This includes property taxes.
As such, in my capacity as minister of the Church of Curry Cracker, my use of the Church jet, vehicle, and our parsonage will be tax-free.
I’ll even be able to claim an exemption from Self-Employment tax due to my deeply held beliefs and opposition to public insurance for religious and conscientious reasons.
Praise be to the IRS.
To help us do the good and necessary work of the Church of Curry Cracker, it is with great humility that I implore you to send in your donations.
Not only will your donation bring you joy and spiritual well-being, but with a little faith, it will bring even greater abundance to you in return. What better way to secure your own blessings than with a gift?
Yes, saving for your future and securing your financial freedom are noble goals, but nothing is as important as sharing the tenets of Curry Crackerism with those who truly need it. We are saving souls here, people.
If you’ve felt the Cracker’s blessing through our posts or saved BIG $$$ on taxes by following our advice, donate…Donate!
(Disclosure: Donations not tax-deductible and not affiliated with any Church or non-profit organization. This is an April Fools joke!!!, but donations still appreciated ;) )
Want to contribute to the cause, but prefer to work in mysterious ways? Apply for your next credit card from the GCC Credit Card Page!
Thank you for your attendance and support. We will close today’s service with a prayer from The Book of John:
Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us, only sky
Imagine all the people living for today
There will be coffee and curry crackers served in the rectory for anybody wishing to gather with the congregation.
Don’t forget to check out our book store and gift shop on your way home today, and we will be hosting Bingo again starting Tuesday evening.
And please, don’t forget to watch this important instructional video by the good Reverend Oliver.